Already some time ago I evoked with you my therapy. I have started it almost a year ago now, and change has happened. It would be a lie to say that I am the same, I have learnt too much to stay ignorant about my own feelings by now. To see a therapist helped me to understand my issues, my struggles, how to deal with them, how to learn to love myself, how to be on my own. I am still learning, and I believe that I still have a long way to go. But almost a year after my first session I am not the same. I haven't been able to talk about my therapy with a lot of people. My family is against therapy, and I do not feel comfortable talking about it with my friends - and here I am on a blog visited by hundreds of people, so logical - only my boyfriend really knows about it. However, even if I have tried to rely on him, recently I have realized that even if he loves me, he cannot be there for me anytime, and is starting to be tired of it all. So in order to avoid loosing him I have decided to stop sharing my issues with him. I have then been quite alone with all of my issues, going through a really hard time last month, when my anxiety cam back and forced me to face my fears and my hurtful past.
I am alone. Yet I can acknowledge that I have progressed. It feels like no one around me is proud of me, and this situation can be quite discouraging. It feels like I am alone and have to stay strong by myself, without any backup from people that I love. I wanted to talk about my progress in this editor's letter, but I know realize that I am far from being completely ok. I still feel lonely, I still have anxiety, I continue to see my therapist, I still feel terribly sad and alone. Mental illness, whatever it is, how light and stupid as it can look for some people, is not an easy thing to deal with. I don't have massive issues, yet I still find it hard to live with it everyday, especially with no support. I have to stand up for myself, by myself. I actually don't really know what I want to say in this post. I maybe just wanted to talk about my progresses, to say that I had done so much in a year, to say it to all of you that I don't know because people around me don't care or don't want to see it. Maybe I just wanted someone to read it, but what I am sure of is that I wanted people to know that even alone with all of this mess that is going on in your head, if you take care of yourself, if you keep being proud of every small achievement, you will make it. And one day all of it will be behind you. And you will be able to help others, making it easier for them, and they won't be as lonely as we are today. Do it for yourself, but never forget to look around you.
xo
Amy
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