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Birthday Girl

Saturday, 10 March 2018

Tomorrow I am turning 23. I am not quite sure how to feel about it. On one hand, I don't care much. It does not look like such a big step. Just one more insignificant number. On the other hand, it scares me. I am now 23, and what I have done? But even more scary, I am now 23, what to do next? I am spending an amazing year in Amsterdam. I am finally feeling good living in this city, and I am dealing with my anxiety as never before. I am finally feeling great, happy, and motivated to kick the issues that are coming my way. But it is already coming to an end. I am finishing my master degree in June, and I have no plan for next year. I was finally feeling good, and everything has too be started over again. No time for rest nor appreciation. Just time to ponder again, to move on, to find another place where I will have to star all over again, to fight the same battles, and eventually to feel better. 23 is a scary year. A year of decision making, a year of threat and stress, a year where I should decide what I want for my future self, but I can't figure this out. How can you take decision when you are not alone? How can you decide on anything knowing that every one of your action will have an impact on somebody else? 
Nevertheless, I am happy with my 22nd year. I have made a lot of progress concerning my anxiety. A year ago, I was a sad mess. Not capable of much, destroying my life without being aware of it. Fortunatly, I got the wake up call, and now I got my life in my hand, finally capable again of leading it. Of course, I still do many mistakes. My 23rd birthday is not a conclusion to those complex years. I wish it was, but I still have a long way to go. 
It is ridiculous how pessimistic and depressed I sound on my birthday eve. I should be happy, tomorrow is going to be a happy day, spent int his town that I have learnt to like, with this boy I have learnt to love better. I am not sad tonight. I am ready to celebrate and smile, on the 11th of March. But fear is a shade that will not leave me for my 23rd year. After all, your birthday is just another day of the year.



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