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Reflexion on the future

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

At the end of this academic year, next June, it will be the end of a chapter for me. I will be done with my master degree in Amsterdam, and I will have to move on. Find a new program if I want to continue studying for a bit longer, or find a job. Yet too many questions are now popping in my head. Where to go? What to do? Going back home? Staying in Amsterdam? Yes, but what to do here? Leaving for a new country? I hate having those questions floating around my head and not being able to answer any of them. My boyfriend is going to stay in Amsterdam for two more years, and he is also one of the reason why I am so lost when it comes to my future. I cannot envision us having a long distance relationship, I know myself too well, I won't cop with it. But it looks like Amsterdam has nothing else to offer me, and for him, the near future is written in this town. I took many decision taking him in account, and they led me to a happy life, many amazing experiences, and an even stronger will to stay near him. But how can we chose our future when we are thinking for two? Do we have to be selfish and go? Do we have to be faithful and stay? Do we have to go and try harder, in the hope to meet in the same place soon? I cannot wrap my head around this. Love can change your life, make you take decision you would have never took without him, but is it wise to live in a fairytale? Is it wise, when you are 23, completely messed up and having to deal with too many inner issues, to believe that love will last forever? Don't get me wrong, I want my relationship to last forever. I am in love, and I know this love story, my first real love story, will always be within me, impossible to forget. But realistically, does love really exist? Can it really last? Can we take decision thinking that it will last, and will we regret the path we chose if in one or ten years it is over? How am I supposed to chose what comes next? How am I even supposed to be wise at 23? Why would have I to chose between my first love and my future life? What do we have to choose between what we cherish now and what we want for our future selves? I feel like to have both is too much of a fairytale to be true. I am far from being a princess. Princesses are not messed up.



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